あがない - Atonement, Compensation

Did I say 'permanent'?
It's very strange. I came here to post in my own blog, but I was temporarily sidetracked and read Yang's blog first. I then had a look at my own blog. It occurred to me that I never bother to put any effort into the writing that I do here.
Partially because there is no place for artistic expression here. That isn't why I have this blog.
In my last post, I mentioned that a part of me wanted to return the way I was. Now I wonder what the hell had gotten into me. I was HAPPY.
Something that I've often thought about, but never written anything on, is the concept of multiple personalities.
Not the typical sort that are present in fiction - the comedic character that has an alter ego. Not, even, the more realistic sort that is possessed by an unfortunate few, the sort that I fear I am all to familiar with.

No, this is the sort that I believe everyone has. I've been thinking about them for many years, developing my opinions on them.
Now, I'm beyond what I was when I wrote that post, and beyond, too, myself from several months ago. It was after a stressful time - the first term of year 12. The two week break had proven to be a godsend.
I first had the thought (for I remember it well), when I was on a bus. It was on the way back from Labertouche, almost three years ago. The place no longer exists, burnt into oblivion by the fires of Black Saturday, but it continues in people's memories.
I was listening to music. This particular song was one that I'd listened to on repeat for approximately a week, several months before that bus ride.
Listening to that song revived, completely, the feelings I had that week.
It was not an exceptional week, no different to any other. And yet, the feelings that I had rekindled were completely foreign to the ones that I had at that moment. Nothing had changed for me, save for the passage of a few short months.
Now, school has started back up again. Somehow, it's different this time. I'm not sure if this term is more stressful than the last by a great margin, or if it is I who are less able to deal with this stress.
It was then that the thought occurred to me. I was not the same person on that bus as I was several months ago. Nothing but the passage of time had caused this. I then thought back to other songs, other pieces of music that I had 'bonded' to certain times, and certain emotions. These too, brought to the surface versions of myself that no longer existed. I, as an entity, continued, but these...phases, of me, had long died, only to be revived through song.

But, there were many others, other existences of myself, that had not had a song bounded to them. I found myself, at that time, feeling what could almost be called grief, for those lost versions of myself. I knew that I was still alive, but I had died, many times over.
Just as I shall die, soon, to be replaced by another me. I'm not sure. I was so...sad is the wrong word. Perhaps...empty? Back then. For the past couple of years, I mean.
Inevitably, I found myself thinking on my own existence, at that time. If the past me's had died, then surely I would too, soon perish. I wasn't overly worried. I felt a strange sense of brotherhood between the other me's and myself, and I trusted that any future me's would guide me well. But even still, I was slightly apprehensive. I wrote down the thoughts that I now paraphrase, ending with the sentence "I wonder if I, too, will be able to return, through song."

Several times since then, I've stumbled across the notepad that I used, back then, to jot down my thoughts. I feel sad, not for the loss of that version of myself, but because he was aware of the fact that he would soon die. He actually hoped that he would be able to return to Lachlan Sleight eventually, and yet I know that he never did. He even tried playing a song on repeat for the entire bus trip, trying desperately to bind himself to that song.

I can remember him, but I cannot feel him any longer. He ultimately failed.
It's almost as if, by being happy for a while, now that my peace is gone, and I have been thrust back into the world that drove me to little, I am less capable of objective detachment from myself.
I think I'm just tired.