そえん - Enstrangement, Neglect, Silence

Within reason, this will probably be the last post I make in this place. I won't delete it - it's too depressing a thought to think that all of the stuff I've put into here would be gone. Not that I really want any of it, but it seems like a waste.

I'm not going to bother giving you (the lone reader) an update on what I've been doing, or anything else about me. I'm also not really posting this to tell you to stop checking here, since I'm not going to be posting anymore.
I'm more posting here to give myself some closure, and some peace of mind.

And now I have it.

さいようなら、ブロッグさん

ハッスッル と バッスッル - Hustle and Bustle

Well...it's been sort of a while.
Nothing much has happened, but at the same time, I feel like everything has happened.

My mind has been making (figuratively, of course) a constant whirring sound for the past week and a bit. I finished Tsukihime, and it was....indescribably good. I won't go into it, but if you don't play it, then why don't you just die now? The reason humans exist is to read Tsukihime.
Anyway, I just a few hours ago finished playing another Visual Novel, called True Remembrance. (Higher quality than Tsukihime, but I preferred Tsukihime myself)

Visual novels aside, I've also started waking up about 90 minutes earlier than I used to, going for a run, cooking myself breakfast (as opposed to toast or cereal) and still having about 30 minutes to take care of stuff before I go to school. The extra time is a blessing, and learning to cook is great. Not to mention the benefits of getting some decent exercise in. =]

School has been going pretty well, and I finished planning for a story, so now I have about 50 A5 pages of scribbled notes that I need to translate into a legible, scanable story.

So overall, I feel pretty happy...almost too happy. *Fears karma*

Oh, and something else cool, I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before, but I've been going to a different ramen restaurant every week for the past month or so, and been grading the places with my sister. Now I've gotten my ass in gear, I've made myself a blog to put my rameny escapades into. I designed my own template and everything. :P
Here it is, anyway. GO THERE! XD
しょうり　の　ラーメン

Byebye~

せいじょう - Normality

Well...
I saw the Dark Knight, and I have to say, for a western movie, it was pretty damn good.
Clocking in at just over 2 and a half hours, it was sufficiently long to create some decent characters and plotline, the acting by Heath Ledger (The dead guy) was certainly deserving of all the praise it's received, unlike SOME lead characters I could name.
To be honest, it would probably be one of my favorite movies of all time if I hadn't:

• Watched anime
• Read Manga
• Played JRPGs
• Played Phoenix Wright: Ace Attourney - Justice for All

Now, the first three were things that introduced me to the concept of awesome, subtle, in-depth storylines which have a serious emotional impact on their audience. The Dark Knight had a pretty good storyline with some decent conflict in it, but it was so unsubtle, with the voiceover REPETITIVELY going over how jesusmanbatman was willing to sacrifice his image to save people, and how he is oh so courageous, and oh so sacrificing. If they had just been a little more subtle about it, it might have been pretty good.

With Pheonix Wright, in the second game, you eventually have to make the choice between saving someone dear to you, and upholding justice and staying true to yourself. Something similar happens in The Dark Knight, but unlike in The Dark Knight, Pheonix Wright pulls off this internal conflict so excellently, nothing can ever compare.


So, in terms of how awesome the movie was, I'd say it was epically super-duper awesome. :P
In terms of how much I enjoyed it, it was very, very enjoyable, but failed to leave a lasting effect on me.

れんぞく - Continuity

Well.

It's hard not to believe in fate, sometimes.
Less than a week after I began pondering the worry over not having any real reason to live, life throws a solution in my face with about as much subtlety as a falling 500kg weight from a cartoon.

I'm playing Tsukihime, and the one of the characters asks what's the point of going to school, of getting a job, of bothering to live for no reason. The other character replies that there isn't really a reason for anyone to live - that life in itself is pretty pointless. He is asked how he deals with that, and he says that he doesn't, he simply avoids the problem.

Basically, living in ignorance is better than living in agony.

I have to say, that's pretty much the only solution and it seems pretty obvious now I've been told it.

If life is pointless, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, then the only thing to do is stoically move forward, ignoring life itself, just trying to enjoy the pointless time we have to the best of our ability.

So I suppose I'm in a slightly better overall mindset now. The reality doesn't change, but I can at least change my perception of that reality.

Well, since this isn't just an emo blog about my feelings and how depressed I am, I'll go back to talking about things I actually do - off to see The Dark Knight with my father and sister now...I've heard it's pretty good, so that should be nice. ^_^

じゃな！

Toki wo Kakeru Karuson

Well aren't I special, I can take names of movies, replace a word, and make a special title.
I do think the title in this case is quite appropriate...the last two months have been....crazy.

I can't even begin to say what's happened. Both things that are easily observable, and thoughts that now occupy my head while I'm awake, and haunt my dreams while I'm asleep.

I suppose the main thing that happened in terms of observable events is I traveled alone (the first time I've traveled alone) to Kuala Lumpur to visit Alden. I won't go into too much detail, since so much happened, but I'll say that it was one of the best things I've ever done - it was great to see Alden again, and it marked the end of a phase in my life that I can't really define in words.

The two things that I've done in terms of my thoughts are quite different. One of them seems quite legitimate, while the other is almost laughably rediculous.

The former can be summarised by the word Buddhism. I am most certainly NOT a religious person - in fact, the very concept of religion irritates me. Buddhism, however, doesn't annoy me, nor does it strike me as a religion. I would define a religion as something that forces you to accept a set of beliefs, and pressures you into participating in various ceremonies and activities. Buddhism (or at least, Therevada Buddhism) is simply a way of life, imploring you to realise the "truth" about the world. Again, I won't go into too much detail, but for those who are foreign to the concept, Buddhism states that you, or anything else for that matter, don't exist. At least, in the material sense that you think of. It also says that suffering is only the result of desire, born from ignorance about the above truth, and if you can realise the truth, you can end desire, thus ending suffering.
It states that happiness is suffering, since not only is it born from ignorance, but will result in sadness, as you realise that the happiness was only fleeting.
I'm not a Buddhist, as I have (at the moment), no intention of following the way of life on my way to Enlightenment (realising the truth about the world), but I do respect quite a bit of the Buddhist philosiphy.

It is from these ideas that my most recent internal conflict has developed.
I played Fate/Stay Night, or at least, the Fate and Unlimited Blade Works routes. (The Heaven's Feel route has yet to be translated into English. Curse my monolinguistic skills) I finally realised something. Since I've never posted the one fatal flaw in my character on either of my blogs, I won't say what that realisation was, but I will say that it resulted in one thought, that even now I think is rediculous to be having.

I realised that my life has no real purpose.

It's insane. It's like I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 16. But that's just the way it is, it's a thought that's been occupying my mind for the past few weeks, and I can't shake it off, no matter what I do.
I have thought of counter-arguments, such as "my life doesn't need a purpose, as long as it has meaning, which can be found in others, and the love that I can share with them", but that isn't enough. Meaning is fine, but there has to be something that can come out of it, right?

I feel like there's no point to anything I do. I go to school, so I can go to a good university, so I can get a good job. Why? So I can enjoy myself as I earn a living. What's the point of enjoying myself for no aim? What's the point of earning a living if I don't have a reason to live? (Again, the whole "other people love love etc" thing comes into my head, but this is about my own purpose. I won't have others intruding on my reasons for living)

I'm hoping that this is just a tryhard phase I'm going through, and before long I'll forget all about it and go on living my pointless life, but I can't help but be worried that I will live out the rest of my miserable days wishing that I could make something of my life, even though it is impossible.


Sigh...I was going to make this a short "catchup" post, so that I could go back to posting whenever something of note happens, but I guess that went out the window.

Extrovertedness...

There's a Guitar Hero III competition going on at school at the moment.
In case you, one of the very few readers of my blog, don't already know, I am pretty good at that game. Not fantastic, but good enough to be able to play every song but one, and that one song is pretty insane.
Anyway, the competition is running through this week, the year 11's (that's me) are on on Wednesday, today it was the Year 9's.

To be honest, I had expected there to be about 20 people there, and more than half of that was to be competitors. I was going along to see how the competition would be run.
Three things surprised me.

• There were probably more than 100 people there
• There were only 6 competitors
• It was dark, with crazy lighting, and everyone was screaming like they were at a rock concert.

After the competitors had finished, there was about 5 minutes left in Lunch. Matt knew the guy running it, and was asked if he could play Through the Fire and Flames on Expert to entertain the crowd. (Follow the link before, to see the song).
So, he gets me to get up and play with him. I'm not exactly the sort of person people would be expecting to play that sort of song, in a game like that, at a place like that, so people were pretty surprised.

Anyway, when I chose the song and difficulty, everyone went crazy with yells and screams.


And then...

We played.



Cries of "OH MY GOD THEY'RE FREAKS" and "THAT IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE" barely made their way over the deafening roar of 100 late teenagers, and Matt and I played on.

It was pretty awesome.
The bell cut the song short, but it was cool anyway.


So that's score one for the extroverted half of me...

Damn

Something most people don't know about me:
The single thing I hate more than anything else. More than prejudice, more than spoilers, is losing my temper.
The reason most people don't know this is I lose it VERY rarely.
Well, I lost it yesterday.
And for what?
A stupid sport.
I can't believe myself.

I watch other people lose their temper, and lost a part of who they are in that instant, and think to myself "I hope to never lose myself as they are doing" and then I go along and do it.
For more than an hour after the game of sport had finished, I was seriously depressed, and now I just look back with frustration, sadness and guilt.

If anything good has come of yesterday, it is that the sting of what I did is still fresh in my mind, and should stay there a good long while, and will hopefully prevent me from losing my temper ever again.

Well...

All was well in the end, I suppose.
I've been epically busy these past couple of weeks. Had a VCD outcome due, and that was crazy. Last week, had three separate services for ANZAC, two guards, once march, and that was good, but took a lot of my time.
I handed in my VCD today, so now I can breathe a huge sigh of relief that my homework is down to less than 3 hours a night. xD
Tai Chi has been going well, I'm really glad I started it, it's a great way to calm down and relax. :D

So yeah...I should really try to be more positive...

Fsck.

Well...Well, great.
Last weekend, I decided to not do much homework, as I didn't have anything really due on Monday, and I was feeling pretty poorly for both Saturday and Sunday. Now, however, I am totally screwed, as I have to do all of my VCD mock ups, all 12 of them, a Methods assignment, 4 English questions, Hockey Practice, and a music lesson, all after school today. That's probably about 9 hours of swork, give or take an hour or two. Tomorrow, I need to do 3 hours of Biology. Not only this, but I need to have about 3 hours of BARPG stuff finished for two days ago.

All up, I'd say I'm relatively screwed. I can't even do any this lunchtime or next lunchtime, as I have training for the service in the chapel on Wednesday.

Fsck.

From chaos, springs order.

Well, I'm going to write off the past several months as lost to the endless depths of time, since there's no way I can remember exactly what happened in all that time.
Assuming that I am, in fact, reviving my blog, I suppose it's time to start mentioning details.

Well, first and foremost, since it's what I'm doing now (Yes, I can do multiple things at once, it's not an exclusive X-chromosome-only thing), the BARPG is due to open in a few days, and I'm not quite ready. But hey, that's what night-time is for. I started Tai-Chi several days ago, I'm finding it quite worthwhile. Nice and relaxing, gives me some time to think, and if I want to, can go on to pwn people with it. xD

I can't decide whether I am really, really behind with my schoolwork, or going just fine...I might be a mix of both. xD

Biology is...quite hard, but really interesting, so I'm going pretty well.
English is...quite easy, but incredibly annoying, since I have Mr. Vernon...AGAIN. So I am going mediocrely...compared to how I COULD be going.
Methods is...hard, but not too hard. Going OK.
VCD is...easy, but needs a lot of work, and Mr. Wardell is the biggest tool ever conceived.
IT is....IT. Enough said. I probably know more than the teacher.
Business Management is...so pointlessly easy that I am weeks ahead of the majority of the class, and am thus reduced to playing sudoku in classes. =_=

Overall, school's going pretty well. I got platoon sergeant in cadets, which, although is kind of weird, since Cadets is voluntary for everyone this year, it's going to be great, so I'm really happy to have such a good rank. :P

Anyway, I hope I'll bother to post again some time.

Ja~

Clarian wishes to ressurect you. Do you accept?

Well, after a good long absence of a quarter-year, I am back, and even then, only at the prompting of another. I suppose I’m sort of obliged to explain what’s been going on since the start of school. VCE is…hard. Lots of work. In fact, right now I’m supposed to be doing an English Essay. @_@
I’ve gone in, and out, and in, and out of various phases. I learned new ways to solve the Rubik’s cube, but it was stolen…again. I bought a new one, but it’s all stiff, so that sucks. :(
Did some stuff, saw some things, nothing incredible has happened, really. I went to this guitar-hero III competition, but I didn’t get past the qualifying round. :P
A friend of mine got to the finals, but not to the grand final.
I’m sort of hoping that maybe this post will revive my blog, as it’s quite a good way to reflect and relieve stress. On that note, I’m starting Tai-Chi tonight…in about 1 1/2 hours, to be precise. :P

Anyway, here’s the reason I’m actually posting this, and I hope I’ll post more in the future…


1. What have you realised recently?
What HAVEN'T I realised recently? :S

2. Have you given your first kiss away?
Well...do family members count? xD

3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 11 blog buddies you would take?
Um, I don't HAVE 11 blog buddies...so...all of them. :P

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Sri Tiara Condominium, Apartment 6-22-2. 9 Jalgn Road, Tran Seputeh, Taman Seputeh, Wilaya Perseketuan, near the megamall. (Yes, the fact that he told me his address like, two years ago and I still have it is slightly creepy, but smeh. :P)

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
I don't remember my dreams.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
I believe in lacking the rain after the storm is over.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
My mind.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Put it in the bank, and I could live off the interest. :P
That's about 100,000 a year in interest. :D

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Probably not, but I don't know what being in love is like. =[

10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
She...I don't know much about her. :S
She's pretty cool though. xD

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I have no idea. o_O

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Ignorant people. Prejudiced people count.

13. What is the one thing you cannot live without?
Air, water, carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, various vitamins and minerals.

14. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
If people know them, and stay, then it's worth it. If I'm afraid to say those faults, then said people aren't friends for life. =/

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Continuity.

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Hah I spent about $200 last year in total. xD

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you.
erm.....

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?
Total reset. Then live a life in the space of a second, to get the experience again

19. Whats the last shocking thing you've seen or heard?
Nothing seems to shock me. :S Perhaps I just lead a very boring life.

20. Would you rather go deaf, or blind?
Blind. I need music, and I think I'd manage being blind. :|

Tag...um. E

Returning

The holidays are now coming to a close. In less than 12 hours, I, and the rest of BGS, will be back to school. These past holidays have been very different from most, because of the renovations. It has given me a chance to recollect my thoughts, refresh my mind, start afresh.
I have learned much, seen much, done much. I watched no less than 6 animes, downloaded hundreds of songs, learned to create maps in UnrealED, Taken my first job, earned enough money to start purchasing parts for my new computer, discovered new ways for people to interact with computers, learned the Jessica Fridrich method for solving F2L on the Rubik's cube, and many other things, far to numerous to mention.
For most of my life, the passing of years has been marked by the school years. I suppose that's why the fact that it is now 2008 has, for the most part, skipped my attention.
2008 will be an interesting year for me. Since I will be turning 16, I will be able to get a Driver's Licence, apply for a Visa and leave school. I'm not sure how it will all turn out, since the years never seem to go exactly as I planned, but I am hoping that at least it won't be a bad year.
I can't say I'm exactly looking forward to going back to school, but I guess my disposition is irrelevant, and I'm certainly not dreading it. As I said, it will be interesting.

Either way, time goes on, and until someone finds a way to stop it, the only thing I can do is keep clawing my way through experiences as they attempt to rush by me.
Wish me luck!

Blurr.

I....sort of understand what people mean when they say they are blur...
I worked again yesterday, and I'm going to work in about half-an-hour. I haven't slept much recently, so I'm ultra-tired. But beyond that...I just feel...

Blur.

No better way to describe it. Oh well. At least, after either today, or the next time I work, I'll have enough to start purchasing parts for my computer, which is a great thing. I think I'll hold that off until the holidays later in the year, since school starts in a week and a bit...

Not much point in having a beast of a machine if I can't pwn with it...

So I'm pretty much occupying my time with, at the moment, reading. I'm reading an awful lot lately...almost an unhealthy amount, but I suppose that isn't too bad...
The time I don't spend reading, I spend on the forums, and the time I don't spend doing either of those thing, I'm pretty much moping around doing nothing.

And I just remembered, again, that I have a heap of homework to do.
Great.

Oh well, I'm going to use the time I have now on the forums, before going off to put RAM into notebooks. /sigh.

Itte kimasu.

Work Work...(Actually this time)

Work.
My perspective on the subject has changed considerably over the past few days. On Tuesday, it was a shining goal, a place where I had to crane my neck and squint in order to see properly. It was the way I would buy my PC, a plane-ticket and eventually, a car, an apartment who knows what else. It was the thing standing between me, and the next phase of my life.
On Tuesday, it was, very suddenly, much closer. I did not have to crane my neck. I did not have to squint. All I had to do was get changed, grab some lunch and get myself over to Reserve Road.
You see, a family friend is the Managing Director of an IT distributer, and I had asked her for a job about a week ago, not really expecting any results. She called at about 7:30, Wednesday morning, informing me that she was short a pair of hands, and would I like to come in and work for the rest of the week, from 8:30 'till 4:30. I, of course, jumped upon the opportunity, got changed in a flash, and was soon on my way to the office.
At that point, I was quite apprehensive. The only experience I can relate it to is the start of a roller coaster, when the carriage is idling slowly along the start of the track. The only difference this time was that I couldn't see the gigantic drops, loops and corkscrews ahead of me.

Day 1: I arrived at the office quite apprehensive, but excited. It was the sort of job that I hadn't really dreamed of getting. I wasn't going to be cleaning anything, cooking anything, or sitting at home playing games, I was going to work at an IT office...I couldn't believe my luck. I met all of the people at the office - Andy, Dylan, Jarrad, Alex and Katie. Andy and Dylan were the ones manning the IT floor *See Diagram1*, where I would be working, Jarrad was the receptionist, Katie was the manager and Alex was in an unknown position of leadership that still confuses me. I stood around awkwardly for about 15 minutes while Andy and Dylan decided what to do with me, before Jarrad walked in and asked me to "move a couple of boxes, it'll only take about 20 minutes." I will now proceed to correct the preceding sentence. For "a couple", read "about one-hundred. Add "upstairs" after "boxes", and change "20 minutes" to "about 2 hours". And then try adding "Oh and by the way, you will be completely physically exhausted about half way through, and we're going to remind you that after you've finished that massive pile, there are another two hiding that you don't know about yet, so you can have fun finding that out later."
Whee.
About two hours of painstaking box-moving later, I had changed my perspective on work.
Work was now, for me, something that had to be done, in order for a standard of living to be maintained. The way I saw it, someone had to do the things that I was doing, and that person would have to do it, or no longer be able to maintain the way they live. I was only concerned with items that would make my life better, and I still am, I suppose, but now I am more aware of what work means to others. I hadn't really realised that until Wednesday. But the day didn't end there. That was only 2 hours of an eight-hour day.
After finishing that, I walked back to the IT floor, and Andy instructed me to start putting some RAM into notebooks...














Image 1: The IT floor.

This job filled me with interest, since it involves PC hardware, a topic which immensely interests me, and it was far less strenuous than carrying large boxes up stairs.
I was of a slightly different opinion four hours later.
Let me lay out the routine of inserting a 1GB stick of RAM into an Acer TravelMate 6292 Notebook-Computer.

1. Get four boxes out of the storeroom.
2. Carry boxes to IT floor.
3. Get first box.
4. Pick up pen-knife.
5. Cut open box.
6. Put down pen-knife.
7. Take out notebook.
8. Re-insert foam-packaging into box.
9. Take pamphlets out of box.
10. Take notebook out of bag.
11. Place notebook on top of bag.
12. Pick up screwdriver.
13. Unscrew first screw.
14. Unscrew second screw.
15. Unscrew fourth screw.
16. Unscrew third screw.
17. Put down screwdriver.
18. Take of RAM casing.
19. Pick up a stick of RAM.
20. Insert RAM into notebook, aligning groove.
21. Clip down RAM.
22. Check RAM. If wobbly, take out RAM, and go back to step 18.
23. Pick up screwdriver.
24. Screw in first screw.
25. Screw in second screw.
26. Screw in fourth screw.
27. Screw in third screw.
28. Put down screwdriver.
29. Pick up notebook.
30. Place notebook into box.
31. Place pamphlets into box.
32. Place bag into box.
33. Add box to the already humongous box-pile you have created. *See Diagram2*
34. Get next box. Go to step 4, until you run out of boxes, then go back to step 1. Repeat indefinitely.

It was at this point that I decided that any factory worker must be pretty depressed...I was finding this repedative work pretty depressing...
Oh well. After quite some time, I finished, and went home, quite tired.















Diagram 2: My lovely box pile, day one (most of the boxes were taken away, for imaging)

Day two. I'm not going to go over it in too much detail, but just know that ALL I did was the RAM. Non stop, for 8 hours. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Day three. Since I'm getting tired of writing, I'll just say that I didn't have to do any more RAM. I was mainly imaging notebooks. (Installing the OS and programs onto the notebooks for schools) Much more...less-boring. I stayed a bit longer on Friday, until about six. Now, it's all over.

My opinion of work now?
Hmm...

I think I'll settle on:
"A way to earn money."


Oh and by the way, the holidays up until now have been relatively boring, and I'm learning how to create maps for the Unreal Engine.

Ja.